He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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