I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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