You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
