sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
