I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
