no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
