he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
