I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
