I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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