Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
