I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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