Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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