I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
