So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
