i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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