I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
