this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
