On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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