Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize