no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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