After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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