Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
