Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
