My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
