I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
