Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
