Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
