Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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