My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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