And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
