FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
