i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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