A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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