11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
