I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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