God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
