My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
