Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
