When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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