Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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