I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The Olympian is in my bed
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
