the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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