If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize