so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize