I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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