Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
