I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
