So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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