I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
