Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
