You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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