Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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