I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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