He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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