so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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