So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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