Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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