I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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